Donkey Kong 64 - Thoughts

I had always thought of Donkey Kong 64 as a "worse Banjo-Kazooie", but my recent 101% revisit confirmed just how pitiful it truly is. Donkey Kong 64 is not just a poor video game—it's probably the nadir of collect-a-thons, or at least a strong contender for the odious title. It's long, boring, repetitive, dreary, and humorless, lacking both the stellar design of Donkey Kong Country and the warm charm of Banjo-Kazooie. How Rare of all developers churned out a game so irreparably vapid is beyond me.

I don't think Donkey Kong 64 was destined to fail just because it jumped to the third dimension, but it was facing an uphill battle. The Country series is defined by its unique stage gimmicks and deviously hidden bonus barrels, both of which could work in 3D but would require a focused "smaller stage" approach, similar to Super Mario 3D World. Instead Rare honed in on the "completionist" aspect of the series, using Banjo-Kazooie as a springboard. Donkey Kong 64 would have a hub world, several learnable moves, and hundreds of items to keep track of. Then Rare lost their goddamn mind and jammed five playable characters into the game, each with their own collectibles to gather on every level.

While that didn't necessarily condemn Donkey Kong 64 to the trash bin, the inclusion of the tag barrel certainly did. With it, the player can only swap characters at designated spots, meaning that they'll have to backtrack to a tag barrel just to re-explore a level. And exploring isn't all that fun since stages are filled with boring enemies and nearly zero platforming. There's what, the sand you have to hop across in Angry Aztec, the entirety of Creepy Castle... and that's it for notable obstacles. Most of the time you'll be holding forward on the control stick, ignoring enemies, and slowly climbing up trees. And then at the top you'll realize you need Diddy Kong not Lanky Kong to obtain those five bananas, so you'll saunter back to the tag barrel, switch characters, forget where that particular tree was, and lose a bit more of your sanity.

People often deride the game for forcing you to play it essentially five times, but I think the senseless level design is what's truly detrimental. There's nothing to do the first time you're in the area let alone your fifth, besides activating teleport pads and making note of what Kongs you'll need where (and good luck remembering it all.) Stages are just boring busywork meant to waste time until you get to a golden banana challenge, which at their best are simply "okay." Sometimes you can't progress deeper into a level without a particular Kong's skillset either, and the lack of consistency here bugs me. You might need to shoot a switch or use a music pad or grab a golden banana to unlock a new area—and all of these will look the same as every other switch, pad, and banana. It's frustrating because it means you can't start a level with a single Kong and net all their goodies; you'll have to frequently swap between all five simians, only stumbling upon an "optimal route" after the stage is fully cleared.

Hell, there's no consistency in the golden banana rewards either. Sometimes you'll be given one for merely hitting a switch, and other times you'll have to undertake multiple steps and platform through an area just to get to an accursed bonus barrel, which contain their own challenge. It feels like it's a 50/50 shot whether you'll get a bonus barrel at the end of your road or not, and almost none of them are enjoyable. I think an argument can be made for Minecart Mayhem and Kremling Kosh, but the others alternate between mindless (Peril Path Panic, Krazy Kong Klamor) and unbelievably frustrating (Big Bug Bash, Searchlight Seek, Beaver Bother.) Worse still is that most of the bonus barrel minigames repeat themselves, so you might find yourself playing Beaver Bother twice in a single stage—with zero variation between the two minigames, no less!

Speaking of, Donkey Kong 64 has some really bizarre, unjustified spikes in difficulty. The aforementioned Beaver Bother is a buggy nightmare that takes an hour (or two) to learn to play properly, and both races against the beetle are way, way too demanding. These aren't just "hard" either; they require such articulate, flawless execution that they spiral into torture until you miraculously manage to edge out a victory. It's one thing if your goal is to make a dull game that you can practically sleepwalk through, but these spikes (among a few others) are so unbelievably rude that the game morphs into Schrödinger's Disrespect: I don't know whether Donkey Kong 64 is going to demand too little or too much from me until I hop into the bonus barrel.

While I think the stage design and bonus barrels are the worst part of the game, I think there's also significant lost potential with the characters. Sure, they all have a distinct personalities and gear—but they don't play all that differently. DK and Chunky are big and slow, Tiny and Diddy are small and fast, Lanky can attack enemies from far away... and that's about it? Each one uses essentially the same gun, their musical instruments all have the same effect, they can all ground pound, and even the way they lob oranges is the same. Most unique abilities—like Lanky's floating and Chunky's gigantism—only work at designated areas that limit how long you can stay in that state, or just bar you from exploring beyond a specified pen. You basically play as the same character five different times, with individuality allotted only where the game deems fit. Diddy Kong's jetpack is probably the most unique ability, but even that thing feels so slow that I'd rather not use it most of the time.

I'll throw Rare a bone and admit that while the design is atrocious, it's a generally well-made game. Sure, there are a number of bugs and glitches (I fell out of bounds once), but it technically works and doesn't have any dumb ways to lock yourself out of 101%. That, and the end of the game is pretty good, all things considered. Hideout Helm is a decent test of all you've learned and the final battle is ironically one of the best fights Rare has ever produced. It's just a shame that they're locked behind so much mediocre-to-bad gameplay; they're diamonds in the rough, if the "rough" was a mile wide pit of banana-yellow quicksand.

Donkey Kong 64 is a 20+ hour collect-a-thon that is massively unrewarding. Even if you like the idea of scouring a level for hours on end looking for any nooks you've missed, Banjo-Tooie's got you covered. As a Donkey Kong fan, this is the lowest the series has ever been and I pray the franchise won't ever return to this formula. It's not hyperbole to claim the best thing about it is that deliciously corny DK rap; Donkey Kong 64 is just not worth playing, let alone completing.

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Images obtained from: gamesradar.com, hardcoregaming.net

Mario Kart 7 - Thoughts

Due to being wedged between the influential Wii and essential 8 (Deluxe) entries, Mario Kart 7 is often derided as the most forgettable Mario Kart. It's a game that suffers from very few problems... yet doesn't offer compelling reasons to play it nowadays. Which is a shame because had 7 come out a few entries earlier, it would've felt like a breath of fresh air, energizing the series with a smart drifting system and some phenomenal tracks. Even its unique gameplay additions—gliders and propellers—weirdly feel like claims that belong to 8 instead. Mario Kart 7 is a great racer that unfortunately can't escape from the shadow of its siblings.

First off, the game is gorgeous to see in motion, boasting a buttery-smooth 60-fps framerate even in 3D. Mario Kart DS was fairly impressive for the time but 7 makes you forget that it was designed for a handheld console. Plus unlike DS, the selection of retro courses in 7 is excellent, due to having more than the first three games to pull from. Waluigi's Pinball, Coconut Mall, Dino Dino Jungle, DK Pass—the retro cups are worthy of being served on a silver platter. And the nitro cups aren't sleepers either—Shy Guy Bazaar, Music Park, Wario Shipyard, and Rainbow Road ensure that any cup you pick has at least one stellar track to keep you on the edge of your seat.

And coins are back! I used to loathe them when I first played Mario Kart 7—why complicated an intentionally simple racing game?—but since revisiting the series, their return makes a lot more sense, especially with the new drift boost. In the old games, you'd use a lot of energy rocking the controller back and forth, having to judge whether or not you had the room (or thumb dexterity) to built up a boost. But with automatic boosts, it's much easier for the player to simply focus on racing an optimum path, making laps more methodical—as well as stale. By throwing coins into the mix (which increase your top speed a miniscule amount), the optimal path has some competition: do you go out of your way to grab some coins or stay the course? The gold goodies keep the gameplay mostly reactive rather than rote, especially since you'll be losing them frequently from pits, lightning bolts, and blue shells.

And boy, do I have a bone to pick with blue shells.

Now, blue shells have been a staple of the series for a long time—they were first introduced in Mario Kart 64 but the CPU wouldn't get ahold of them until Super Circuit. And honestly, they're a miserable tool, punishing the player in first while simultaneously doing nothing for the poor sap that launched it. I understand that they're a necessary evil that keeps matches competitive (especially online), but there's no rhyme or reason to their use; they pop up in close races just as often as runaway victories. And once you introduce a ranking system into the mix, blue shells turn Mario Kart into an RNG hellhole where flawless races can—and will—be stolen a hair from the finish line. In seeking to level the playing field, the blue demon arbitrarily punishes merit.

One good thing Mario Kart 7 has going for it is that it's relatively stingy with its blue shells—you can expect one or two per match. And since the CPU hangs onto them for 3-5 seconds, you have ample time to notice one coming thanks to the bottom screen revealing who has what item. Unfortunately, this still makes gunning for 3-stars kind of a silly experience; every straightaway has you frantically checking the bottom screen, hoping that your rival is close enough that you can slam on the brake and let them pass you. It's not too difficult to net triple stars across the board, but expect some bitter defeats that you'll have no control over... it's something I'll whinge about in more detail once I get to the DS entry.

Probably the most "serious" problem Mario Kart 7 faces is that it's a smidge light on content. It has fewer racers than the Wii version, hides items when using the full map, and contains no VS mode for some inexplicable reason, meaning you can't pit yourself against the CPU on a specific course unless you're playing an entire cup. None of these make or break the game however; I honestly take more of an issue with the tail powerup, as it's not only a situational item but occupies the item slot while it's active, leaving you naked when it expires. In almost every situation I would've much preferred a green shell or banana, just so I had some form of reliable defense.

Boasting some of the strongest courses in the series, Mario Kart 7 is worthy of a playthrough today, even if it does feel a bit barebones. There are aspects worth complaining about—again, why no VS mode?!—but every Mario Kart comes burdened with its own niggling issues, and I'm thankful 7 sports relatively few. It may not feel like a "must-play" but it paved the way for 8 and is loads of fun on its own. Maybe the most damning thing is that it shows how capable of an F-Zero the console was... but even 8 overshadows 7 in that respect.

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Images obtained from: clipartkey.com, nintendosoup.com, slashgear.com, nintendo.fandom.com

Mario Kart 64 - Thoughts

After suffering through Mario Kart: Super Circuit, I was left with a burning question: would Mario Kart 64 feel terrible to return to? I don't have a lot of love for the N64 because most of my favorite Nintendo games aren't on it (outside of the immaculate Star Fox 64.) Most rudimentary 3D titles would see better sequels released for the Gamecube or Wii—and Mario Kart 64 was no exception. While it's probably my most-played Mario Kart, I haven't gone back to it in roughly fifteen years... because there wasn't a reason to. Mario Kart 64 was an archaic stepping stone, one that gave way to bigger and better racers which were more deserving of my attention.

But hey, guess what: in 2021, it kinda holds up!

What doesn't hold up is the terrible N64 controller, as to drift boost you have to rock the control stick back and forth—and little pushes don't count. Thus repeated boosts can wear on your thumb, due to the controller's notoriously hard plastic and stiff resistance. It's nothing too terrible though; you'll simply botch drifts on occasion and will be forced to give your thumb a break between cups. I prefer modern Mario Kart's drift boost more (the longer you drift, the bigger the boost), but this oldschool style works decently enough once you get used to it.

Yet whatever problems I have with drift boosting pale in comparison to how annoying the AI is. The other racers are designed to catch up to the player in order to keep the match competitive, even on 50cc. That makes any leads fleeting as your two closest competitors will always bounce back, even if they're struck with a red shell and fly out of bounds. This is especially annoying on 150cc as any headway they'll make they'll keep, giving you no chance to surpass them as they move at inhuman speeds through the course. Toad's Turnpike in Mirror mode is a prime example of how atrocious the rubber banding is; the CPU can crash into oncoming traffic all they want but if you make one mistake, you're likely placing 2nd or below.

I wouldn't say this ruins the game however—it's just really obnoxious most of the time. To win matches you'll need to save a good item for the final stretch that'll allow you to zip ahead of your competitors, like a mushroom, star, red shell, or lightning bolt. Considering that's nearly half the items, you often have a good chance of grabbing something early on and using it as your ace in the hole on the last lap. And unlike every Mario Kart post-64, the AI has a separate item pool from the player, which thankfully lacks both blue and red shells. The most common offensive move the AI pulls is to toss bananas ahead of you, and it's honestly more of a danger to them than it is to you.

The biggest handicap Mario Kart 64 grants the player arguably nullifies the brutal rubber banding of the CPU: as long as you place 5th or lower, you can retry a course as much as you like. This is especially useful for any track you struggle with (like Choco Mountain), as not only can you gamble on items until you get a decent selection, but occasionally your rival will fall behind and eliminate themselves from the competition. The downside to this tactic is that you're forced to finish the race in order to have the option to restart, but riding out a single race is less punishing than retrying an entire cup. Individual matches will still often feel unfair—especially if the CPU sprints ahead early—but being able to Groundhog's Day until you win makes 64 the easiest Mario Kart to win in the series.

Plus it helps that the game still controls and plays well. There are definitely a couple of troubling issues that later games thankfully fix—I groan every time a red shell slams into a wall—but the driving and drifting work just fine. Any time you see an obstacle or an item box you can usually intercept or avoid it, which feels like a godsend after Mario Kart: Super Circuit would send my kart careening off the road. Also the long courses weren't as dull as I thought they were going to be, largely because they're packed with corners just begging to be drift boosted. Wario Stadium may lack visual flair and stage variety, but it'll keep your thumbs just as active as Mario Kart 8's courses.

Mario Kart 64 is far from exceptional—despite all the praise I've levied, I think every other 3D Mario Kart game is flat-out better than it. Yet I don't think I'd label 64 as "bad" or even "lackluster". The courses are decent, boost drifting requires some finesse to pull off, and grabbing the gold on 150cc & Mirror is less stress-inducing than shooting for 3-star ranks in future titles. Mario Kart 64's innate issue is that it's obsolete, sporting middling graphics, a paltry 16 courses, and an AI that's shamelessly busted. Fun can still be had with it, but you won't be sticking around for long.

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Images obtained from: imdb.com, mkworldrecords.fandom.com, nerdbacon.com, n64today.com