If Mario Kart DS tested my patience, Mario Kart Wii almost snapped it in half like a twig. Wii takes the punishing ranking system from DS and mixes in more chaos, adding four additional racers and some annoying new items. Prepare to be bombarded by blue shells, lightning bolts, POW blocks, mega mushrooms, stars, and bullet bills—all of which can jump out at any moment and sabotage your lead, especially if you're hit mid-air. Although Mario Kart Wii looks like a lighthearted racer with a goofy control scheme, it hides a callous ranking system that's impossible to please.
Just so you know, I've had my fair share of doubts about aiming for three stars. Why intentionally frustrate myself over Mario Kart of all things, a series most folks would agree is more fun than balanced? Three-starring every cup is a meaningless, time-consuming accolade, akin to platinuming a mediocre RPG. Except instead of completing sidequests and exploring different classes, I'm running the same cup over and over until the planets align and I finally clinch a victory. Anyone that's played Mario Kart Wii knows just what I mean—blue shells will ruin races more often than not.
But without focusing on the star ranking, what else is there? The online for everything but 8 Deluxe is defunct, Mario Kart DS is the only entry with a mission mode, and neither battle mode nor time trials are my cup of tea. Netting a gold trophy in every cup has always been the traditional goal of Mario Kart... but that's hardly a challenge outside of SNES title. Even on 150cc/Mirror most of the cups are conquered on your first or second try; hell, it's mathematically possible to place 2nd in every race and still come out on top. That's why I thought it would be fun to get three stars for each game (sans the terrible Super Circuit), as it would familiarize me with the courses better than filling the digital trophy case would. And for the most part I'd say this endeavor has been an enjoyable experience... but that's largely because I'm thinking of my time with 7 and 8.
Without question, I found Mario Kart Wii to be the nadir of my three-star journey. It's a really cool, colorful, approachable game, but Mario Kart Wii has absolutely zero qualms with treating the player like garbage. The added racers and POW block crank the game's zaniness up way too high for its own good, transforming your suffering from "frustrating" into "nihilistically comical". My thoughts on the DS game were sprinkled with personal examples of misfortune, but there were too many for me to count for Wii; I think the worst example is when I took five blue shells in the final two laps of a circuit. On top of that I've been blue shelled before the finish line, sent helplessly careening into a pit, and walloped by consecutive red shells, each a dozen times—or more! At one point I got so thoroughly thrashed in a single lap that I felt as though I had achieved rage nirvana, stoically realizing there was nothing inside of me save for the solar-hot ire of contempt.
I suspect this blog post reads like an indictment of my own obsessive nature, so let me reiterate that Mario Kart Wii is still plenty of fun, especially if played casually. The tracks featured in both the nitro and retro cups range from decent to phenomenal, with the standouts being Toad's Factory, Coconut Mall, Grumble Volcano, and Moonview Highway; Wii's Special Cup is definitely one of the best cups in the entire series. Motorcycles are also an interesting addition, giving you the option to go faster on straightaways at the cost of control and balance, causing a single bump from another racer to fling you off course. This happens more often than it should due to the CPUs zipping all over the road (without a drop in speed, irritatingly) but I appreciate being able to do something on long stretches of empty road. Wheelies serve as a good compromise between the dynamism that coins provide and the high-stakes nature of classic drifting.
I want to like Mario Kart Wii more—I really do!—but when I think back to it I'm instantly caught up in the misery of the three-star swamp. It hit early on in 50cc too, where despite being twenty seconds faster than my closest competitor I was still receiving a humiliating two stars. Not even Mario Kart DS had the nerve to waylay me on the easiest setting! Because of this I likely learned Wii the best out of all the games, which isn't too bad since it has some of the best courses... but what stymied me the most were the boring and short tracks! Shell Cup in particular was a nasty experience, as the races are so brief that a single shell or slip-up can doom your run. Even when I won I didn't feel like it was due to smarter or snappier play as much as it was just dumb luck; escaping the CPU conga line of death always gave me the best shot at 1st place, a task that hinged entirely on early item RNG.
Between the Wii and DS titles, I'm not sure which I ultimately prefer. They both provide similar but asymmetrical experiences: DS has tougher CPUs that frequently boost ahead for no reason, but Wii arms them with stronger weapons (most of which rob you of your defensive item). Wii includes better retro tracks that gel nicely with the new aerial boosts, but it lacks the quirky mission mode from DS. DS has a player item tally on the bottom screen which lets you be on the lookout for blue shells, but Wii offers more methods to play. The Wii looks better but the DS is easily portable and can be played with friends that own the console, but not the game. I think personally what gives Wii the edge in the end is that it's simply easier on your thumb, introducing a boost system that's easy to comprehend and perform but no less engaging than the ol' left-right-left-right.
Look—I can handle being blindsided by a blue shell. I can endure several of them per cup! I readily tolerate lightning bolts killing my momentum, bananas lurking behind massive ink blotches, and untimely POW blocks hurtling me into the depths of Mushroom Gorge. My problem is that when I overcome these perilous trials, managing to recover from catastrophe after catastrophe, I'm rarely rewarded for the effort. Most of the time—despite finishing first in every race!—I walk away with one or two stars, which leaves me to pour over my failings, both real and imagined. Was I not fast enough? Bounced against one too many walls? Should I have waited for the red shell to hit me before going over that jump pad?
Mario Kart Wii and its nasty DS cousin care not for your excuses; you play by their rules, get judged by their metrics, and take a blue shell whenever they damn well want you to. It would be foolish to argue that they're not fun racers, but I find their ranking system to be rude, capricious, and indecipherable. It never tells you what you did wrong and blames you for mistakes beyond your control, forcing you to run clean races in a messy racing game. A good ranking system adds nuance to a victory; Mario Kart Wii makes you feel bad for winning.
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Images obtained from: wikimedia.org, gamefaqs.com, nintendolife.com, wired.com
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